When I get together with my sister, a hot tub, and a glass
of wine, I could never predict where the conversation is going to go. A few
months ago, we had a chance to relax and have some good quality sister talk. No
kids, no men, just us. Somehow, our conversation about Lee Brice (country music
singer/hottie) turned into a very in-depth conversation about what kind of
mothers we are (So very typical of us to bounce around so dramatically with rant
topics).
I am writing about this now, because it was one of those chats that will live on for a long time in my mind. It made an impact on how I will be parenting in the future and I thought I would share with all of you as well!
We started by swapping stories about the crazy techniques we
have been using to deal with temper tantrums, and the ever popular
"not-listening syndrome" that all of our children seem to have. Our children have
very different personalities, so it’s always a great learning experience
discussing and comparing them.
The issue I was having at the time revolved around how I
have been dealing with my two year old Maelle when she has temper tantrums and
wants everything that she can’t have. Or
maybe I should say how I have NOT been
dealing with my two year old.
Let me start with a little back story: My seven year old
daughter Gianna is an angel. She was an only child for almost six years. She
was my whole life/world/universe/existence for a long time. She is actually the
closest thing to perfect I have ever seen in a child (yes, I understand I am
totally biased). She is very polite (thank you Auntie Bean for teaching her
manners when she was two) she is smart as whip, and has an imagination that you
would never believe was possible. She is an absolute delight to have as a
child. I am blessed.
I was 22 when I had her, and in the middle of completing my
University degree. I did most of my classes through DVD at home so I could be
with her all the time. Dora the Explorer was on one TV and Developmental
Psychology on the other (don’t judge me). We couldn’t afford full time daycare so
she spent much of her one’s and two’s playing happily under my feet at the desk
or watching me study.
The “mommy play time” was definitely a lot less with Gianna
compared to what I now have with her little sister Maelle. I have been a stay
at home mom for the majority of Maelle’s life, and thankfully haven’t been
trying to complete another University degree during this time.
From the beginning, Gianna has had a hard time understanding
that Maelle needs a bit more attention than her sometimes. I don’t really blame
her because she had it all for so
long. Not only does Maelle need attention just for emotional support like
cuddles and quiet time with Mommy, but attention for moments when there is a real risk the house could burn down or moments
when I am trying to avoid the neighbours calling the police because it sounds
like we are torturing her! Her scream
can be pretty “bloody murder-esque” when she wants something.
Maelle is at that stage right now where she has to have whatever Big Sissy has. If
there is only one of something, she screams until she gets it. We (including
Gianna) would rather give it to her then hear the screaming. So it usually ends
up with Gianna losing whatever it was that she was playing with in the first
place.
But isn’t that how having sibling’s works? The baby gets
everything, and the more babies there are, the less you get. It’s kind of how I
remember it. Of course until I was old enough to lock up my belongings out of
reach of the annoying (but so cute) younger siblings (love you both, a lot!).
Sacrificing Gianna’s toys, and worse, sometimes her quality
time with me has been a very unintentional occurrence in our house for the last
two years. It has become so “normal” that I haven’t even been able to see it
for myself. So when my behaviour was pointed out to me by my own mother I
thought I was going to die. My sister was the only one I could talk to about
this. I knew she could relate.
When I started to tell her about it, she laughed at me
because it wasn’t long ago that I was complaining to her about how she deals
with her children (typical little sister thing to do). She has two girls that
are eight and six and since the youngest was born, she has always bought two of
everything to avoid the fights. I really razzed her and told her that she was giving them an identity
crisis because she wasn’t allowing them to have their own personalities. She
explained to me that it’s the only way to “keep the peace.” It’s probably not
what the “professionals” would recommend. I am sure there is a whole book about
it out there somewhere explaining that it’s probably the worst thing to do, but
who cares, it seemed to work. I didn’t really
believe her at the time.
But now, I know if Gianna has something, Maelle will want
it, so sometimes I buy two! But you see, the problem is that toys and things that Gianna is
“in-to” are not even close to being appropriate for a two year old to be
playing with. At least my nieces are only two years apart. I am in trouble
here. If something doesn’t change, I fear that Maelle will be ten years old,
wanting to have her license, wear make-up, go on dates and to parties, just because
Big Sissy is. Uh-oh.
My mission for the last few months has been to stop
sacrificing Gianna and her things for the sake of peace a quiet. Oh my
gracious, we have had some crazy moments! But, I think that Gianna is starting
to really appreciate what we have been trying to do. It’s going to be a long
road dealing with the age difference between them because six years is a huge difference when they are this
little. I can’t wait for the day when six years doesn’t matter at all. (See Blog Titled My Best Friends)
By the time we got out of the hot-tub that night, we were
wrinkly, the wine bottle was empty and we had discussed all the ways we would
love to change the way we parent our children (also an in-depth debate and
scheming session on how to get Mr. Brice to play at CBMF this year).
We both came to the conclusion that our children will
definitely turn out fine no matter what we do because we love them. It might just
come down to trading kids when they are teenagers, because apparently I have
children just like her, and she has the children just like me! It’s really funny
how we ended up with a little piece of each other show up in our children’s
personalities. Well, it’s either funny or cruel. We agree to disagree on this. (ha
ha ha)
It’s also because of moments like this, and conversations
like the one in the hot tub that we know everything will be OK. We know when
it’s time to seek out help and advice. We share all the (sometimes
embarrassing) details about how we parent our children, and we help each other
by relating, and comparing notes on ways to get through it.
As parents, are we just destined to feel like we are always doing something wrong? Are we always going to feel like there is room (copious amounts of room) for improvement? Are the choices I make now with them, going to effect the way they parent their own children someday? One day, will we wake up in the morning proud (or at least just satisfied) with the job we have done raising our children? I hope so.
Often, we look back to what our parents would have done in
moments like this and we realize that all we need to do is the best we can, and
love our children unconditionally. When they are grown, they will forgive us
for the small "mistakes" we have made during the younger years. They will still love
us no matter what because we loved them so much (if nothing else, this theory
allows us to get sleep at night).
We are also counting on the day when our four girls have
some little girls of their own. We hope that they will gather in hot tubs, with
wine, to bitch and vent about them, and then
realize the great job that their parents actually did raising them. (Unless
they are drinking OUR wine, then
they’re in trouble)
I think at some point, everyone (even the childless) eventually reflects back on their
childhood, and discovers that parenting really isn’t easy, at all. Nobody has ALL the answers, and we mostly get through it by
using trial and error and some finely-tuned deception techniques. But if you love
your children (which I know you do), you owe it to them to do everything in your
power to protect them and provide the best growing-up environment/experience
that you can.
The really sad/disturbing part about being a parent is that
you basically have to close your eyes, try to make responsible decisions, hold on tight and wait it out until they
are adults to know if you did a good job or not. But I will tell you, if your
daughters (or sons), are sitting in a hot tub, drinking wine and trying to think about
what YOU would do in a situation
like this, you know you did good. xo
In spite of the six thousand
manuals on child raising in the bookstores,
child raising is still a dark continent and no one really knows anything.
You just need a lot of love and luck- and, of course, courage.
-Bill Cosby
child raising is still a dark continent and no one really knows anything.
You just need a lot of love and luck- and, of course, courage.
-Bill Cosby
Kate
My god Katie! That was brilliant! Hope the girls are doing well. More importantly I hope you and Kyle are doing well after reading the temper tantrum issues aha! You and Kyle are great parents, don't worry about right or wrong, good or bad because at the end of the night when the girls are sleeping you guys know you did everything possible that day to ensure those kids went to bed happy,safe and loved. Love you guys!
ReplyDeleteThanks Juno, I really appreciate that! Maelle is much better these days. We're always hoping it's "just a stage" ;) Thanks for reading! xo
DeleteHey Kate! this was so refreshing to read! Kayla went through some very "terrible two" tantrums which would take all my strength to try and get her up off the ground! how a two year old can be so strong is beyond me?!! I am glad it was just a phase bc she's a doll now ost of the time! Gotta say, I am kind a jealous of your "hottub confessions"! I think wine and a soak is just what the dr ordered! thanks for sharing once again! xo AMY ROBSON.
ReplyDeleteThanks Amy! The hot tub is definitely a great place to relax and reflect! I'm hoping our "terrible 2's" are almost over! :)
Delete