Yesterday I went to the gym. That’s where I saw the posting
for the Cardio Box class. I haven’t been there since before Christmas. It’s definitely
NOT because I am self-conscience about bouncing around on a treadmill in the
same room as a whole Junior “A” Hockey team though.
Oh wait, yes that is EXACTLY why I haven’t been there!
Sometimes I go to the gym in the morning, and find myself
among a lot of seniors, which I like. I am perfectly comfortable working out with
80 year old men and the women. They actually inspire me to push myself harder
and I only hope that I will be in that good of shape when I reach my 80th year.
But on the days that I can only get there in the afternoon, I am usually faced
with a gym full of young hockey players.
A woman I went to university with would be in her glory. I
remember her planning to go to the gym when she KNEW the whole Varsity Football
team was going to be there. I thought she was insane, but I guess it just comes
down to your own self-confidence OR in her case, how badly she wanted to see
men pumping iron. I never understood. It actually
does nothing for me. Why do some women enjoy gawking over them?
You know the women I am talking about right? The women that
appear to be on their way to the red carpet function, but just happened to stop
in for a quick workout on the way? And by workout I mean a “check-out”. They
stand around and chat amongst themselves and barely do anything. They make it
feel like a god damn singles night club, that I don’t want to be at. It’s so annoying.
My absence from the gym has nothing to do with these women though. It has to do with KNOWING that these people
can see ME while I work out. I don’t think there is a man in the world, a
straight man anyways, that could see a woman running on a treadmill without
looking at her chest or her trunk. I asked hubby for his thoughts, and he said, despite not being a gym-goer, that my accusation is
probably true. I just don’t feel comfortable with it.
I was cursed with a heavier than normal upper torso and I am
currently trying to work off a lot of ‘junk in the trunk’ that I have
accumulated over the past ten years. I am very aware of what it’s all doing
down there when I run and I know it’s not pretty. There is nothing I can do
about it aside from using duct-tape. I’ve done it before; I won’t be doing it again.
The problem is that I have been letting this insecurity get
in the way of my health, and achieving my goals. Avoiding the gym because I
have to work-out with men is no longer acceptable for me.
SO, yesterday I stepped out of my comfort zone. I got on the
treadmill and busted a move anyway. The place was solid full of young men (the
ratio was about 10:1) and I didn’t do a u-turn in the hallway when saw all of
them in there. I forced myself to go in.
I HAVE to exercise. I HAVE a membership there. My health is
more important than anything. I MUST push through this awkward feeling and just
do it. I am a strong woman, and I have no problem being confident and
self-assured in many other aspects of my life. I can do this. I have to do this.
I imagine that I am an invisible runner. Nobody can see me,
or judge me, or make fun of me. I’m chasing
my goals, hopes and dreams. They take shape of a little black dress, a ribbon
at the end of a marathon finish line, and a newborn baby; the grandchild that I
hope to live long enough to meet.
In that state of mind, I don’t care who’s looking at me. I’m
there for me and my family. I am focused.
I DID IT.
Love,
Kate
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