I nearly had a meltdown after publishing my last post. You know the one where I was so excited about this new challenge. Kate’s 30-to-30 Comfort Zone Bust and Gratitude Mission? Remember?
Yea, well immediately following the hit of the publish button I was having some regrets. Well not regrets, more like doubts. It was then that I realised that I am going to have to follow through and do this. So many things started running though my mind. What am I going to do? What will people think? What if I can’t do it? What if it's hard to do? What if I don't want to do it anymore? Is this really a positive this to do? What if I enjoy my comfort zone? I don’t want to change. I don’t want to change. I don’t want to change.
Ugh. Change. I hate it, but I crave it. I am the type of person that rearranges the living room on a weekly basis. In fact last week, I did it twice. I can’t stand it when things are the same for too long. I get bored. SO you would think that this challenge would be right up my alley right? Well I thought so too until I read it over to myself and then tried to do something with it. There was so much pressure. I couldn't think straight. I got over whelmed and deemed myself a failure before I even started.
Right after I hit publish, I left for a meeting. I felt like I was going to throw up. I didn’t get much sleep last night because I was stressing over everything and had nightmares for most of the night. I talked to a friend after the meeting for a bit and successfully distracted myself, but by the time I got back home I was a wreck again. Hubby had no clue how I was feeling as he only surfaced out of bed right before I left. To make matters worse, and to add a spin to my already spinning head, I was greeted at the door with a wet pair of size 2 undies, and my husband scratching his head because all of a sudden all of our potty training success had been undone. Apparently while I was gone, Pumpkin-Pie decided to boycott the Potty and just pee on the floor for Daddy every time.
He explained it to me like she just mysteriously decided not to use the potty anymore. After a week and half of being trained. This sounded very strange to me. Why would she do this? Maybe because nobody was paying attention to her? I got very upset at my husband for not monitoring the situation like I would have, if I had of been there. How DARE he allow all my hard work over the last week to become undone. I thought he deserved a little wrath. He admitted to being distracted by Fantasy Hockey and some sports article on the computer, which only fueled my fire even more. I wanted to scream. I don't leave the house alone very much. In fact, maybe once a week, tops. God I was mad.
All of a sudden, everything began moving very slowly. It felt like a scene from the Matrix. All of a sudden, a little voice in my head told me that this was my opportunity to make a change. An opportunity to step out of my comfort zone and do something I wouldn’t normally do. But what was it?
Then it hit me. Walk away. Don’t argue your point. Your point doesn’t matter. This conversation is not worth the energy and emotions. Don’t say another word. Let it go. Everything can’t always be done the way you want it done when you aren't there. He is her father. He needs to make his own mistakes and learn from them. He does not need you to remind him of this. He does not need to feel worse than he already does. Let him fix it himself. Let him clean up all the pee he needs to today to understand that participating is important. Walk away. It was loud and clear once I started to listen.
I walked away. Went upstairs, got in bed pulled the covers over my head screamed in my pillow and took a TIME-OUT. Yes, you heard it here first. KATE GAVE HERSELF A TIME-OUT.
That NEVER happens. Like ever, ever, never. Normally, I would have asked him for an explanation. I want to know why Fantasy Hockey is more important than monitoring the potty training mission that we have been on. OBVIOUSLY it isn’t. He knows that, I know that. What else I know is that the whole potty training thing means more to me than it does to him. He has been great with it up until now. He was just distracted and not focused for a while. Is that a crime? No. Do I ever get distracted? Yes. Does he get upset with me? No. Maybe he was tired too. The point here is that it really doesn't matter. It happened. He feels bad, and he really doesn’t need to go through explaining it to me when we both know that it makes absolutely no sense why he does what he does sometimes. Men are so complicated.
My time-out gave me the opportunity to think everything through. It gave me time to cool down and prevented me from making a mountain out of a mole hill. It worked. It really worked. I was so worried when I woke up in the morning that I wasn't going to be open enough to embrace this mission anymore. I was so cranky and "off" that I knew it was going to be a bad day. But it ended up that I learned something new about myself and stepped out of my comfort zone. My comfort zone was over-analyzing situations in order to make sure they never happen again. It rarely worked.
Hubby came up to the bedroom to check on me about an hour in and I was out like a light. He was coming to make sure I was alright. He knew that I needed some time alone because I was clearly on the brink of a totally spontaneous combustion. He knows me. He has seen it before. He was so sweet and brought me up a cup of coffee. He thought I may have been a little low on caffeine. That was true, I was
When I awoke I felt much better. We spent the rest of the day at the pool with the kids. I knew I was still a bit cranky though. I hid it from the kids. Hubby had to make it through a couple more of my snappy moments, but we all survived and ended the day happy. So I guess I have to chalk it up to an “off day” and move on. I am glad I learned something new about myself. I AM capable of walking away. I CAN bite my tongue and spare my husband the wrath.
Walking away is hard to do, but feels much better than getting deeper into an argument over something that you have no control over. You have to do it for yourself. But more importantly, you have to do it for the person that doesn't deserve that invisible
slap punch in the face or salt in their wound.
One day closer to 30 and a little wiser.