Thursday, February 21, 2013

My husband has a Mistress.

There, I said it out loud.

They have been together since before WE began dating. Oh crap, wait a second, maybe I’M the Mistress? Never mind, that’s right… I’m actually MARRIED to him. OK, moving on..

She left last week and my husband says they are taking a “break” and that she won’t be back for a while. I'm ecstatic! 

Now that she is gone, there will be no more staying up late sneaking around playing with her while I am in bed. There will be no more turning her on and playing with her on as soon as I leave the house or get in the shower. There will be no more talking to her for hours on end, OR talking to me about her for hours on end. The Mistress is GONE.

Oh yea, I forgot to mention that she lives with us. I allow her to live to with us. She sleeps in the living room. He wanted to let her stay with us in our bedroom, but that was just too much for me to handle. If I had to accept her living under the same roof with us, she sure as hell wasn’t going to be sleeping with us. She already puts a wedge in our normal everyday quality time together. I don’t want her interrupting the time we spend in the bedroom too!

*Sigh* I have tried to make him end it with her for a long time but he says he needs her. He can’t live without her. He finds comfort with her when I am not around, and she doesn’t nag him. She doesn’t care when he takes his stinky socks off and leaves them on the floor in the living room. *Insert sarcastic voice here* Well la-dee-da. Isn’t she just little miss perfection! Too bad he made ME his wife. Poor guy.

I thought she would just fade away after we got married and had the baby, but no. I think he wanted/needed her even MORE after that. His only complaint about her and that is that she is pretty high maintenance. She likes to keep herself updated with all the newest and coolest stuff. She always has her hand out for his hard earned money. She’s a gold-digger, I tell ya! I hate her, a lot.

Rightfully, I am pretty nasty when it comes to this broad. But I guess I shouldn’t be SO mean to her; she has started to grow on me a little in the past few months. We have gone dancing together a few times and sometimes, when hubby works the night shift, we catch up on old re-runs of our favorite TV series together. I have to put up with her moans and groans during TV time, but I understand it’s just because she misses him too. We can weirdly relate and bond over this.

Hubby isn't the only one that adores her either. The kids absolutely love her as well. She spends time with them when I am making supper and can keep them entertained for hours! She is such a great babysitter that the neighborhood children are constantly ringing the doorbell wanting to come in to play with her.  I guess she’s not ALL BAD, but she is still my husband’s Mistress, so I hate her.

A few years back, I THOUGHT she was a goner and for a few hours Hubby was devastated. He tried to turn her on but she refused to participate, turned bright red and had no response. I rolled my eyes and hardly cared. I was patiently waiting for him to be done trying so I could have his attention. It was touch and go for a while, but she made a full recovery after a few hours of rest. I was very disappointed to say the least.

Sometimes I feel like a terrible person because if I knew I could get away with it, I would kill her myself. Sometimes, I even day-dream about what our life would be like without her and what I envision is total happiness. But the worst part, and the reason why I don’t just take matters into my own hands is because hubby would probably just replace her *Sigh*

Hubby used to say that I needed to deal with the fact that she is in our lives, to stay. But now, with them on a "break” I feel like there might be a light at the end of this tunnel. I might just get my husband all to myself for once!

You are probably thinking "this lady is whacked in the head," right? Who in their right mind would allow or put up with their husband having a Mistress? Not to mention one that lives under the same roof! Oh and one who basically just sits around all day waiting for him to get home from work (and for me to leave) so she can get turned on. She is such a needy little *bleep beep*.

But ya know what? I guarantee that some of YOU have a mistress living in your house too.  She’s probably in your living room right now (maybe even in your bedroom) and you don’t even know it. Your boyfriend or husband is probably playing with her right now.  If he isn’t, and he is still in the secretive stage of their intimate relationship, then I guarantee that he is just sitting there waiting for the perfect opportunity to turn her on. Probably the moment that your sister calls and he knows that he can get at least an hour and a half of alone time with her because you will be too distracted to even notice. Yea, take a look around ladies, she’s there.

Another reason I know that your husband probably has a Mistress as well is because whenever we are hanging out with friends, I hear my husband chatting about her with all the other guys and from the sounds of it, they have Mistresses too! They swap stories about them, and talk about their “records” like they are keeping score or something. They even swap stories about all their “moves” and “variety”. They also talk about their playbooks and some online store that she loves. See gold-diggers…they ALL are!

Seeing all these men chatting about this so openly makes me wonder why I haven’t heard any other women speak out against the Mistress living in their homes. I KNOW I can’t be they only one going through this. We need to stick together here ladies; this is becoming WAY too accepted.

I am going to try to convince hubby that he doesn’t need to spend so much time with her when/if she comes back after this “break”. The thing I have going for me is that they have been fighting quite a bit lately.  I’m not sure if I should say this publicly or not, but I have never seen rage in my husband like I have seen when his mistress pisses him off. It usually involves objects flying across the room, yelling, cursing, stomping, etc. They really don’t have a very healthy relationship. I think he may be finally recognizing this, hence the “break”.

During this "break" I’m going to show him that pressing all of MY buttons (the good ones) will always end in a WIN for him. He has been losing quite a bit with her lately. I mean, you can’t win ALL THE TIME. Especially when your Mistress is an Xbox 360.

(He gave it up for Lent)
*Disclaimer*: This blog post was in no way written to demonstrate any disrespect for anyone that has actually had or has a real (human) Mistress in the past, the present or the future. I understand the real pain that a Mistress creates in a marriage. I understand that there really is nothing humorous about a husband having a Mistress and I am in no way mocking anyone or their personal situation. I feel, for myself, that this machine (or the other very similar machine) made for entertainment, can be easily compared to a Mistress if your husband loves his games as much as mine does. Especially if you hate how much he loves it, as much as I do. I also mean no disrespect to Microsoft and the Xbox game console. I DO love my Just Dance 4 game for Kinect. Mostly, I wanted to show my husband just how comparable they are and how I really feel about it. He has read the above and has encouraged me to share it.

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