Thursday, April 11, 2013

The Stomach Bug of 2013

A couple of weeks ago, a vicious stomach bug attacked my family. It was probably the WORST and most aggressive stomach attack I have ever witnessed, in all my life. It was also extremely bad timing. It was Bear's March Break, and her Birthday Sleepover Party. She was hit first, then Princess, then Moi. Hubby was holding his breath, but eventually he got it too. It then spread to pretty much my entire extended family on Easter weekend.

It was terrible. 

So now, after a few weeks of what felt like hell, filled with cancellations and relentless vomit, we are now fully recovered and vertical and I'm ready to write a little something about it. And although it's a little bit on the negative side, I did my best to not make it sound as terrible as it really was. So here goes...

8 REASONS WHY I THINK The Stomach Bug of 2013 SUCKS:    

1. THE HATE. I am a nice person and I find it seriously hard to HATE anyone. BUT when I am sick, all I want to do is hunt down the source of the sickness and beat them over the head with my bedside puke bucket. Yes, I know that would be impossible, but that's how I feel. Especially if it's an adult that should have learned by now that HAND WASHING is crucial to avoid the spread of germs! Repeat after me: Flush and WASH...and be on your way! Flush and WASH...and be on your way! Wash your freaking hands. Simple concept. GRADE PRIMARY. I LEARNED THIS IN GRADE PRIMARY! I'm yelling. Hateful and not a very good attitude for a mommy to have.

2. SUPER-HUMAN ABILITIES. I agree, at first glace this DOES appear to be a good thing. But nope, it was really scary and untimely. Picture this chain of events if you will: Middle of the night. Discover 2 year old in crib, covered in vomit and poop. Strip bed and child and plop in bath tub. Bend over to check water temp. Uh-oh. Mama needs to go. Sit on the loo. Uh-Oh. Need to vomit. Glance over towards tub mid-heave. Uh-Oh. Two year old is about to drown. Uh-oh. Maintain sick poops, puking, and life-guarding skills simultaneously for approximately ninety seconds. Oh, and all the while, listening to uncontrollably sobbing, courtesy of yours truly. It was unreal. Why can't this super strength come over me during the day-to-day? For example when I am carrying fifteen grocery bags and trying to chase Pumpkin throughout the neighborhood. Where's my super powers then? I have absolutely no right being that "handy" when I'm sick. It was miraculous and petrifying all at the same time. Feel free to send my medal by Express Post.

3. BOREDOM. Watching TV (mostly the Food Network) to pass the day away, no longer works for entertainment when I am sick. I tried it after Pumpkin's dose of Gravol kicked in and she passed out beside me on the couch. I might as well have been watching a lion rip to shreds the inside of a gazelle on the National Geographic Channel. And that was only a lesson on how to properly mash a pot of potatoes. It killed me that everything made me want to yak. What is this bug? It's gotta be bad when the thought of a garden salad makes you dive into the bucket. Back to Disney Princess Sophia I went. Who needs cooking inspiration anyways? Supper? Ridiculous. I couldn't even imagine LIVING past lunch!
4. CHILD NEGLECT. Your mother? Who is? Umm no, not me. Not today. I need MY OWN mother. Can you call her please? No, I'm sorry I won't be hauling my ass off this couch to make you supper my darling child. Daddy will be home until 7:30. Yes dear, I AM aware that you will probably wither away to nothing by then. Raisins and pudding for supper? Is that all your little arms can reach in the pantry? OK, as long as you don't make me get off this couch. Oh, and can you get your sister away from the electrical socket with that bobby pin? Mmm K, thanks. I will care about you more tomorrow when I feel better, I swear. Worst. Mother. Ever. And absolutely NOTHING I could do about it.

5. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS. If you are the only sick one, nobody really understands how you feel, therefore they can't tend to your needs like you need them too. I'm hot. I'm cold. I'm tired. I can't sleep. I'm starving. I'm gonna puke. I love you. Get the hell away from me. Cuddle me. Touch me and die. I'm gonna puke. If I were my husband, I would ACTUALLY hit me over the head with a frying pan when I am sick. Just end the misery for everyone. Pumpkin was the only one that knew what I was going through but still managed to puke all over me every fifteen minutes. Brilliance.

6. THE CLEAN UP- How do you get little barf chunks out of the little holes in the washing machine? Oh, OK, well I will pass that along to HUBBY because there is no way in hell that I am cleaning up anymore puke, for a very very very long time. Even if it is "clean throw-up". Shudder. Hands down, the clean up is the worst part for me. Our whole house smelled like "sick." While I was sick it was the worst because absolutely nothing got done because the kids were running the show. But by the time Hubby fell ill, I decided it was best to lock him in our bedroom with all available drugs, buckets and his cell. He was to text me if/when he felt better, and then I would assess whether or not he could come out. Meanwhile, Pumpkin and I hit up the Superstore for three containers of Clorox wipes. Eight-teen hours later, he emerged into a sterile environment, as I glared at him with eyes that said "if you are lying about being better, I am going to hurt you."

7. WEIGHT LOSS. Yea, you read that right. Weight loss is a real negative when I am sick. Am I crazy? Maybe. Tell me, who hasn't been jealous of that friend or co-worker who had the flu and lost 5 lbs during the process? Don't lie, you know it has crossed your mind... "If only I could get the flu and lose this last 5 lbs that I have been trying to lose! Come closer and lick me, would ya?" The bad news about this kind of weight loss is that it is only temporary. The first day back to feeling normal again, you will be stuffing your face like that kid with the giant chocolate cake in the movie Matilda. Yea, the five pounds (of mostly water weight from dehydration) will be back by lunch time. It's a cruel, cruel joke.

8. WHERE'S MY A-TEAM?. "Why does Nanny and all my Auntie's live so far away!?" I know this is what Bear was thinking while I was sick. Maybe it was because in my darkest hour I moaned and groaned about how much I need one of them to live closer to me. It was desperate. I have nobody to rescue my children from the Couch Beast in times like this. Hubby HAD to go to work. No amount of desperate text messages explaining that I think I might die made him leave work to come home. I think it has more to do with the fact that he didn't want to be sick himself. OR he didn't want to deal with the (now stinky) Couch Beast, otherwise known as his wife. I know he felt bad and was concerned because when he called to check on me, he wanted to talk to Bear. I know he was giving her tips and tricks on how to deal with me. Oh, and IF my mother and my sisters DID live nearby I probably wouldn't have let them in the door anyways. I wouldn't wish this bug on my worst enemy. And because of numbers 2, 4, 5, and 6 in this list. Nobody needs to witness any of that. Ever.

Wash your hands folks, it's going around.

Love, Kate

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